Merry Policy, People!
The Crazy Person’s Intra-Covid Guide to Codes of Conduct for the Holidays.
Here’s me giving myself some timely ground rules. The season for team-building with myself is upon me and gosh darn I’m pulling out the whiteboard and the squeaky markers and I’m giving myself my full attention. I know what it looks like and you’re right. What a load of self-involved poppycock. But maybe one has to look within to…erm…better see without?
On that feeble little tremulous minor-key note, please find below my attempt to establish the Crazy Person’s Intra-Covid Guide to Codes of Conduct for the Holidays.
I have chosen to draft this document using the plural “individuals” to skirt around gender issues, include you if you think you line up with my skewed line of sight (heaven help you), and also account for my multiple personalities.
Company values
1.1 The company of others shall be valued.
1.2 Individuals must display the usual gamut: loyaltyhonestyrespectteamworkaccountabilityintegrityblaaaaah and of course good will towards all creatures great and small with utmost commitment and sincerity.
1.3. Individuals are asked to journey deep into their mental archives to dig up pre-pandemic versions of themselves in an effort to salvage the parts that seemed adapted to getting along with oneself and others. Once these have been identified, individuals are encouraged to sculpt them into attributes of jollication and display them with unwavering toothy grins.
Individuals are to note that there are significant physiological differences between grins, grimaces, and grimacests.
Behaviors
2.1 Individuals must refrain from using the global pandemic as a convenient excuse to skulk off into a dark corner and live on nothing but musty, crusty, dusty snacks and their survival instinct, like rats. Individuals must continue to shower, wear real clothes, and eat actual food with pride and pleasure.
2.2 Actual food consists of anything that has not been transformed, or which requires more or less sophisticated levels of assembly. Anything small, orange and fish-shaped which is not fish is proscribed.
Dress code
3.1. Real clothes contain less than 20% elastane. Individuals who wear clothes containing 20% elastane or more must be headed to a fitness or recreational facility, such as a gym, yoga studio, or municipal pool. Exceptions may be made for individuals who intend to dance with an improbable combination of styles, an incalculable number of times to Blinding Lights by The Weeknd in their living room.
3.2. Overdressing is encouraged. Individuals may swan about in floor-length silk robes and accessorize with ostrich feathers. Loud prints must be heard from across the room.
3.3. Sweaters bearing jolly festive scenes, woodland creatures in whole or in parts and seasonal vegetation are welcome in any situation, including, but not limited to, family gatherings, trips to the supermarket, and swim meets.
Tardiness/absenteeism
4.1. Individuals must rise before 8am and fall around 11pm. Urges to watch entire seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer must be curbed. Self-hypnosis by ocular binding with electronic devices is prohibited. Exceptions may be made for those who intend to watch Elf and then quote or mime the entire movie for their community.
4.2. Taking leave of one’s senses is highly discouraged. Repeat offenders will not be formally reprimanded, but small, orange, fish-shaped food items that are not actually fish may be confiscated.
4.3. If the cause of absence is officially identified as the loss of mind, individuals may report to the lost and found located in the darkest corner of the collective mental abyss. A document to support the identity of any individual who claims to recognize their thought patterns may be required.
Leave policy
5.1. Individuals cannot take leave of themselves.
5.2. Mwahaha.
5.3. Individuals who claim they have gone on vacation will find that wherever they go, there they are, but are invited to knock back a stiff drink in a dim place to console themselves, should the need arise.
5.4. Individuals may occasionally take leave of their senses.
5.5. Individuals who take leave of their senses are required to provide mandatory information upon reentry, including contact information, travel details and a quarantine plan in case the need to stride briskly back off the deep end is anticipated.
6. Break policy
6.1. Individuals may take a 30-minute unpaid meal break.
6.2. If the meal break is taken in the company of others, all forms of distance will be exacerbated by prolonged mask wear. It should be noted that reducing the ambiant temperature, conversation and the functioning of the respiratory system will reduce the risk of replicating the microenvironment within the mask most commonly referred to as “Turkish bath.”
Conflicts of interest
7.1. Groups who cannot agree on which holiday movies to watch must reach a decision within a reasonable period of time, even if no one is qualified to determine the limit of this particular value. If no concensus can be achieved, participants must engage in a best two out of three showdown of Rock Paper Scissors. The winner decides on the movie and all must watch the selected movie without resorting to gesticulation, commentary, improvised gymnastics, flatulence, or any other stratagem of deliberate disturbance.
7.2. Individuals must not think they can work on others as a substitute for working on themselves.
Communication
8.1. All communication must be passed through a high-efficiency personal filter in order to remove potentially noxious substances. In addition, clean communication tastes better.
8.2. Individuals are encouraged to communicate in sacred or profane song form in order to rouse spirits, unless they only remember the chorus or are convinced of the accuracy of their lyrics when they are patently wrong, which will only rouse the ire of the auditors.
8.3. Individuals are requested to make sense when they speak by prioritizing basic syntactic rules. Individuals who fail to do so may attempt to dodge the question altogether by referring to 8.2.
8.4. It is generally acknowledged that certain topics must be avoided in polite company. These include religious beliefs, political leanings, personal finances, surprising hairstyles, and insipid wine selections. Obscure anecdotes, however, may be thrown into a conversation like pepper over a lemon tart, which confuses but does not bore.
Please acknowledge receipt of this document.
Cordially,
the Madwoman in the attic wearing a reindeer sweater, marabou slippers and a heat pad microwaved merrily on high.
This made me cackle. Thank you. I needed that.