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Tranna's avatar

I don't really know how to articulate my response to this visceral, beautiful, haunting piece of writing. I can only imagine the strength it took to write it. I'm in awe of your ability to take this glimpse into the dark and articulate the feelings and sensations of your grief so palpably. "Preposterous outcome" so accurately describes the unfathomable nature of this tragedy. "I wonder when I’ll be able to look back through a filter that highlights all the good elements and throws the grim parts that ruin the composition into complete obscurity." I'm really glad we got to share in those good elements together and I hope that those good elements will, over time, take up more and more space in your memory, eclipsing the prominence of the grim parts. I think we all wish for the kind of filter you imagine.

"The period After Death has left me fragile, fearful, weak. I’m an unconvincing simulacrum of my former self." I think some of us can be really hard on ourselves when we feel broken, sad, when we're grieving. I know I have a tendency to be somewhat unforgiving to myself in hard moments, perceiving the moments where I've been unable to get over my sadness (in whatever situation) as a kind of failure. Somewhere in my experiences I learned to equate sadness with failure. I don't know you well enough to say but I will wager a guess that you are not as fragile, fearful, weak as you may think you are. You've made is through these 9 years. That takes unbelievable strength. Writing and sharing this piece takes unbelievable strength. Raising kids takes unbelievable strength. For whatever it's worth, you definitely don't give off the aura of someone who is a shell of their perceived former self. There is a vibrant, loving, creative aura around you. And I like to think I'm really, really good at reading people (triple water sign! lol).

I hope some of this makes sense. I hope sharing this piece is a positive experience for you. Sending lots of love!

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Jess's avatar

Beautiful, raw, and moving--there is a haunting quality to this piece, Lianne, but such is the nature of grief and loss (especially one of this kind). It impossible to truly escape the imperceptible clutches of this type of pain and mostly likely hard to even put it into words. You managed to utter the unutterable and to voice your sorrows in a moving and meaningful way. Pure and powerful prose!

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